Kamikaze Kate

My weekly horoscope said, “News of a pregnancy will come as a delightful surprise.” Let’s hope that it’s not me and it’s someone else. Fingers crossed.

When I was smaller when I was a child, one minute worrying, the next not having a care. I woke up and got dressed and did all the things that you do all day all the feelings you feel all day long. Feeling scared and then feeling brave and then feeling scared again; all day long every thought and blink and fear you only dare to share with yourself.

And then for the first time I began to feel very alone.

I walked and I thought and I walked and I thought…

And still this feeling of being alone stayed and lingered inside me.

It’s not that I feel alone because I have no friends, I have lots of friends. I know that I have people who can hold me and reassure me and talk to me and care for me and think of me but they can’t be inside my head with me all the time - for all of time.

I mean, well what I really mean I can’t easily explain. Except that in here - in this thing called ME. that’s the very problem - it is always just me. Myself alone. and it just isn’t enough.

I tried to ask other people if they felt this way as well and they all said no, never, not at all…until I felt as if I was going mad.

I cried and I screamed at the sky, I don’t want to feel like this for the rest of my life. But the clouds were indifferent to my tears and why should they care. They float and drift and join together and part and reform for eternity. In sadness and despair I ran and I ran and I ran to the shelter of my mothers arms……but do not despair because somewhere there is a heart that is beating that is meant just for you and one day this will be the other heart that will beat inside of you. And on that day you will feel whole for the first time.

You know you want to say something but what? You know you have to say something but how? But nothing happens until you say the first word or write the first letter or cut the first line. And so I started…I am not alone, you are not alone, this is for you.

And it felt better. Why does putting things down on paper somehow make things seem more manageable? Is it because it is a constructive act when inside you feel destroyed? Even though you may feel empty inside can it make you feel better by writing words? What kind of magic is this? And you look up at the stars and wonder is this how God felt when he created the universe?

What was important I don’t know anymore. What happens when you see less and less the good and more and more the bad? Is that when you begin to die? I have this feeling of longing for something that will last. That will improve. The though of improvement gives me hope. Without hope I won’t survive I just want things to improve.

And so I painted and I drew and I cut out paper and all over town I left my messages for you to one day find.

My home will have no windows, doors or floors no bricks or mortar I care naught for them. My only home is in your arms, and nowhere else, except perhaps these many tiny scraps of dreams and paper.

But what if I had everything that I could ever want? What would be left to draw, what left to say? I don’t think I could bear that. And day by day I filled my world with more words and more dreams and my heart became a place where I could escape to and talk to you (who ever you might turn out to be) and hold you close.

And years from now I will return and see that wind and rain have washed these words away, but they stayed in my heart to this day and I put them in this book that is for you.

All of these thoughts were of you all of these dreams were of you and my darling…i have not changed.

Did you hear abut the rose that grew from a crack in the concrete

Proving nature’s laws wrong it learned to walk without having feet

Funny it seems but by keeping its dreams it learned to breathe fresh air

Long live the rose that grew from concrete when no one else even cared!

-Tupac Shakur

One of my personal favorites.